Love/Nothing, But

You ask: What is love?

Ha! Love is nothing,

Just…

 

…the bitterness of coffee lingering on your tongue;

The toxic nectar that urges you on.

 

…the transparent arrows of the stingy rain

That hit you when you stay out and dance.

 

…the senseless pit where alcohol pushes you

That you have chosen as your dwelling-place.

 

…the momentary pleasure of chocolate

That flees and leaves an everlasting mark.

 

…the heat of the August sun that scorches your face,

A yearlong desire for a few fleeting weeks.

 

…the whiff of tobacco that scratches your nose

And gives you comfort when despair strikes.

 

…a perpetual school where lessons are soon forgotten.

And exams are failed and always retaken.

 

…the dreams of freedom behind a prison door

That you fasten with the key in your hand.

 

This is love.

The greatest force on Earth, no more.

 

Random Acts of Kindness

The following story is quite old. It happened almost 2 years ago. It just came to my mind, and I realised that I hadn’t even thanked the gentleman properly. But his act deserves to be mentioned here, because it shows more than just kindness. I don’t even know what the appropriate term would be. Care? Courtesy? Selflessness? At any rate, this was a truly touching act, and something that didn’t require a great deal of effort – only a bit of care and consideration. I am extremely grateful to the unknown gentleman, because he saved me from something that could potentially have been more harmful for me.

One evening, I was walking on a not particularly busy street in Bethnal Green, a poor area with a bad reputation. A drunken man was coming towards me from the opposite direction, and when he was a few metres away from me, he started making some obscene remarks at me. Another man, who was walking ahead of me, stopped and stood in front of me until the troublesome guy passed us.

My Newest Self-Portrait

I am proud to present my newest painting. It is more of an externalisation of my feelings than a reflection of my outward appearance.

If I were an art critic, I would describe it thus:

“The artist deliberately uses monochrome, dark colours to establish the atmosphere of sadness and struggles. The quick brush-strokes and the thick, haphazard application of paint reflect the painter’s inner turmoil and agitation.”

 

The Inner Self

 

 

 

Mirror

The human soul is a mirror clearer than all

That reflects not only what the eye can hold

But also what’s hidden at the core.

An open smile shines on the surface

Brighter than sunlight can ever gleam.

But so can chilly indifference

Extinguish the proud flame.

A hurled word may dissolve in a moment

But it lingers forever in the mirror’s depths.

And the smallest prick of hatred

Shatters the glass to a million pieces.

And when it’s broken,

It won’t be whole again:

If the pieces are distorted,

They can never mend.

Random Acts of Kindness

Sometimes, at a tube station, I accidentally touch my card on the Oyster reader too soon, and I am held back by an error message. A similar situation occurred last evening at Piccadilly Circus. When I touched my Oyster on the reader, I saw the red light flashing up, so I started looking for a staff member to ask for help. However, unbeknownst to me, the light at the gate turned green all of a sudden, meaning that I could go through. The station guard pointed me back to the gate, while the gentleman behind me waited politely until I got through. I feel embarrassed for holding up the queue, but most of all I am grateful to him for letting me pass and not sneaking in through the gate.

Unloved by Men

I am immensely grateful to my friends, who are supporting me in these difficult times, but I can’t help feeling that I need something more, something that only a man could give me. But despite my constant prayers, I cannot find this special person, so all I can do is channel my loneliness into poetry.

Across the land where lightbeams dance,

Humans live in eternal cheer.

But I dwell in the field of darkness.

The sun fled in horror, and the moon is afraid to rise.

Sorrow and cares weigh me down

As I lie unpursued in the muddy grass.

The kingdom of nightmares has triumphed,

The rain falls and gathers into a sea.

And the water flows dim, velvet

And black as every heart.

A candle-flame flickers and dies.

Tide rises. The old wind stirs sometimes.

But otherwise all is still.

Silence echoes through the land,

And vain despair.

But the tide rises

And rises

And raises me

And as my worries swim away,

I float, and melt into the dark.

Seawater tickles my face

And unites with my tears.

I would shriek and beg for help.

But all is useless

And unseen

And unheard

And uncared for.

While I cry tonight,

You’ll be far away,

And you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

And you.

And you will sleep

While I weep.

I slept once

By your side.

But that was a millennium ago.

The heat of your hand still warms my fingers.

The balm of your kiss still rubs my lips.

But your arms do not shield me any more,

And my head no longer belongs on your shoulder.

I grieve as I recall every bygone ray of hope

Until the whirlpool lures me in,

And I dive into obscurity.

When my shadow-self will be a memory,

Crowds will gather at my grave

And gossip haunts forevermore

The ghost of The One Unloved by Men.

 

My New Venture

I just wanted to let you know that I started another blog alongside this one, intended to be an honest account of my struggle with social anxiety. Of course I will carry on writing this blog as well, because this is my main site, but if you are interested in what it’s like to live with a mental illness, or if you or someone around you has similar experiences, it might be useful to take a look at my new venture at rainbowthroughthestorm.wordpress.com.